Values for Happiness

As a child, the subliminal message I received from those around me was that being female and presenting as feminine made me inferior. Weak. To counter my unfortunate fate, I learned to adopt more masculine qualities. I liked to play with dolls, but adults were more impressed by my brother’s competence in Chinese yoyo, so I ditched Barbie. My favorite color was pink, but I changed to blue when my friend told me, “Pink was too girly.” Being emotional was characteristically female and meant you were dramatic or crazy, so I chose to be indifferent and easy-going.

For better or for worse, these experiences shaped me into who I am today. Subconsciously, they also shaped my personal values. In recent reflections on my actions and behaviors, I realize that I had learned to value:

1. Utility
2. Competence
3. Productivity
4. Self-Reliance
5. Emotional Restraint

And I committed to these values. Whatever the task at hand was, I did it. My happiness didn’t matter - I just needed to get it done. I treated myself like a robot. My high success rate and years of chronic emotional restraint masked potential weak points. While on the outside, it seemed like I was successful, I felt alone. Without even realizing it, these values also led me to chase things that didn’t make me happy. My achievements made me momentarily proud but chronically stressed as I pursued the next goal.

But now, there is no goal. I’ve been kicked off the raceway I was desperately sprinting down to outrun uncertainty.

Now what?

This period of stillness has forced me to reconcile with my emotions and values. It has given me the head space to explore traditionally feminine topics like compassion, kindness, and vulnerability. Now, I can see how so much of my suffering was self-inflicted.

I attached my value to my competence, productivity, and achievements. If I couldn’t meet my unreasonably high expectations, I spent the rest of the day wallowing in shame and replaying unchangeable past events in my head. My actions were calculated to achieve the highest probability of certainty and success through self-reliance. I was constantly absorbing mental loads of work and noting all the items of unfinished business that I would get to… eventually. All the while, I showed up every day like nothing was wrong and with a smile on my face. I would tell myself, just one step at a time, but go home trying to numb my feelings by scrolling on social media.

It was unhealthy and unsustainable.

In my explorations, I read The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler. Growing up with Christianity, the Dalai Lama’s perspective on happiness was refreshing. Rather than relying on an all-powerful creator to answer my prayers for mercy, often overshadowed by feelings of shame and judgment, I could train my mind to be happy using Buddhist ideas. In a sentence, the book’s overall lessons can be summarized with the following quote:

"Identify and cultivate positive mental states; identify and eliminate negative mental states."

Of course, there are a lot more specific ideas explored in the book, like the purpose of life, compassion, and suffering, but it all boils down to training your mind to be able to handle all situations to achieve happiness.

Now, I’m nowhere near as eloquent as the Dalai Lama on these subjects, so I’d recommend reading the book yourself if you’re interested in how his teachings intersect with modern research. But I will say that his words deeply resonated with me. Reflecting on the past, I recognize the need to adopt new values to achieve true happiness. That being said, I’d like to start living my life led by the following values:

Honesty

While I’m not a chronic liar, I haven’t been honest with myself about what makes me happy. Instead of living for myself, I lived for others. I valued what others valued. I lost my sense of self. Ergo, I’d like to start being more honest with myself and others to start making decisions that align with my happiness.

Compassion

I’d like to apply this value to both myself and others. After years of unsympathetic, self-inflicted grinding, I’d forgotten to be kind to myself. As a result, I couldn’t see the good in others, and I became withdrawn and lonely. I hope that by developing my capacity for self-compassion, I can become happier and spread that goodwill to others.

Proactivity

I admit - I often suffer from analysis paralysis and frequently participate in “productive procrastination.” But over-planning has never gotten me anywhere. Moving forward, I’d like to live with a bias towards action, being proactive, and intentionally choosing my path as the journey unfolds.

Flexibility

Specifically, I’d like to develop flexibility of the mind and the ability to shift perspective. This training will help me deal with my self-inflicted mental suffering, view problems from various angles, and assist me in understanding and relating to others. To achieve this, I will continue my daily meditation and mindfulness practices.

Curiosity

Traditional schooling had taught me it was better to have answers than be curious. So I ensured I always had the answer by studying the material inside and out without asking a single question. And I was rewarded for it. Unfortunately, I carried this mindset forward and began feeling ashamed if I didn’t have the answer. It’s hindered my ability to learn from others and grow beyond what I can self-study. Instead of feeling like I need to maintain my college reputation of being “smart,” I’d like to adopt a mindset of curiosity. Ask more stupid questions. Become more interdependent as I try to figure out what to make of this wild world we live in.

While it took a long to for me to recognize my self-destructive behaviors, I'm glad I finally got here. It's time to reconcile my actions to align with what brings me joy. I'm slowly unlearning toxic societal standards, learning to be kinder to all, and training myself to be happy. Although it won't always be smooth sailing, this conscious decision to live by these values is a step in the right direction. From here, I'll continue to take one step at a time until I reach my final destination: happiness.