Lessons from 2023

The way I'd describe 2023 is eye-opening. I feel like I've spent the last 29 years of my life sleepwalking through the days and going through the motions. I've done a lot more thinking this year when, in the past, I've always looked forward to the moment I could shut off my brain next. Consequently, I've learned much more about myself and the world. I attribute a large portion of this to my writing. Compared to fleeting thoughts, writing can ground me. As long as I've transcribed my thoughts onto paper, I can revisit them and relearn the wisdom my brain temporarily forgot. As such, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on this past year and distill the lessons I've learned to take with me into the future.

Lesson #1: Failure brings you one step closer to success.

This year, I realized that I tend to spend an unhealthy amount of time staring at my calendar planning. That's it - just planning. It made me feel good about being "productive" when, in reality, I was doing everything except for the planned activity. Productive procrastination at its finest. I noticed that I tend to engage in it when I'm overwhelmed by the task at hand. I'm so afraid of making a mistake that I become paralyzed—stuck in place, yet wishing for a different outcome.

Silly, isn't it? To think that planning alone would bring me closer to my goal. If I just looked around me, I'd see that there is only progress with failure. Each time we fail, we learn something new. Then, that experience informs our next action, bringing us one step closer to success. The only true failure is the failure to try.

Action Items & Reminders:

Check yourself - ask yourself if what you're doing is truly bringing you closer to your goal or if it's productive procrastination
When in doubt, don't plan and just do it
Failure is not the outcome. It's part of the process

Lesson #2: Being you is enough.

I've always felt the pressure to be productive and prove my worth. It made me feel better about taking up space as if I needed to earn that privilege. In my last post, Evolutions of Self-Worth, I explored how the perception of my self-worth has evolved from childhood to young adulthood. I realized that in chasing external validation, I was putting my self-worth in the hands of others when it should only depend on me.

Action Items & Reminders:

Stop comparing yourself to others
Focus on reaching your full potential
Growth comes with time and effort
You are enough

Lesson #3: People are more willing to help than you think.

I've always been scared of asking for help. I'd rather bend over backward and pretend everything is fine than seek assistance. Why? Fear of looking stupid, being seen as lazy, or inconveniencing others.

This past Thanksgiving, my uncle suddenly passed away after being struck by a motor vehicle. His funeral conflicted with my work schedule, so I asked my supervisor if I could be excused early. To my surprise, she covered my shift without further question. This simple act of kindness taught me that I'm allowed to be human and lean on others. The people and resources are there - I just need to ask.

Action Items & Reminders:

Ask more questions
Ask for help when you're stuck
Leaning on others is human

Lesson #4: Investing time with family and friends is worth it.

At some point during college, I began to keep to myself. I didn't reach out to my peers and lost contact with old friends. Instead, I threw myself into endless piles of work. However, my focus has shifted recently. Since switching to shift-based work, I have more energy and mental space to enjoy time with family and friends. While the time spent isn't considered conventionally "productive," I always leave feeling happy I took the time to connect.

Action Items & Reminders:

Reach out to family and friends when you think of them - it's not as weird as you think
Just schedule something - don't leave it as, "Yeah, we should hang out soon!"

Lesson #5: Movement is good for you.

Back in college, I was a gym rat. But I fell out of the habit several years before graduation and never seemed to be able to get back in the groove. When I was between jobs, I had nothing better to do with myself, so I started taking advantage of my gym membership. I attended various new classes ranging from yoga to fight conditioning. At first, it was horrible. I couldn't see straight or stop shaking after class. But after several weeks of consistent effort, the post-workout shakes began to feel more like euphoria. Whether or not I could measure the progress or if it was a crappy workout, I could always feel good about the effort I put into keeping myself healthy.

Action Items & Reminders:

Move every day - trust me, you'll feel better afterward

Lesson #6: Mindfulness is the real deal.

Mindfulness has been around for years and years. However, I didn't start seriously practicing it until this year when I discovered an app called Healthy Minds. It includes guided mindfulness techniques and educational excerpts on how research supports these practices. I've stuck with the mindfulness practices more consistently this year and have noticed a real difference. While in the past, I'd unconsciously let negative emotions and rumination take over my mind; I can now catch myself before I spiral into a dark space. I'm able to respond to situations rather than react. I'm more patient with others now compared to before.

Action Items & Reminders:

The mind is a muscle that needs to be trained
Practice mindfulness every day - it's the best way to catch spiraling thoughts

Lesson #7: Self-compassion expands outward.

I've always been hard on myself and heartlessly expected 110% effort and output all the time. I was unkind to myself and expected perfection. This led to a mindset of scarcity, which translated to self-inflicted isolation.

This year, I learned the term "self-compassion," which involves treating yourself the way you would a friend going through a difficult time. Practicing it down-regulates the stress response and lowers defensiveness [1]. It allows you to practice a mindset of abundance, which leads to kindness towards others.

Action Items & Reminders:

Be kind to yourself
Take care of yourself
Self-compassion isn't selfish because that kindness spreads outward

Lesson #8: To be happy, do what YOU want.

In a world full of people with conflicting priorities and values, you'll find that everyone will want something different from you. Until you find the strength to ignore the noise and listen to your heart, you'll find yourself living a life other people want you to. Then, one day, you'll wake up and realize you're miserable. I spent a lot of my lifetime complying with what I was told to do, then doing what I thought other people wanted me to do, even if it didn't make me happy.

This year, I've been reflecting on happiness. What activities bring me joy? How do I want to spend my time? What makes life fulfilling? While I still don't have all the answers, I've decided to approach life by asking myself, "What do I want to experience?" Because at the end of the day, I'll die with nothing but myself and my memories. So, let's make the memories count.

Action Items & Reminders:

Remember to reflect on what makes you happy and what doesn't
Success means nothing if you're unhappy
Choose what makes you happy, not what pleases others, or is the most "optimal" choice
Life is just a long series of experiences

Lesson #9: Your worst fears aren't as scary as they seem.

This year, my worst fears came true. At first, I was devastated. But it turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to me. It helped me realize that all the fears I've ever had don't matter. They're always scarier in my head than in reality.

It was a liberating revelation. Instead of trying to mitigate all the potential worst-case scenarios, I can live life doing what makes me happy. While this doesn't completely erase all feelings of fear, this fact helps me feel brave. It helps me feel grateful for the present and hopeful for the future. No matter the challenge.

Action Items & Reminders:

Remember Lesson #6: Practice mindfulness to keep negative thoughts in check
Make time to do Tim Ferriss' Fear Setting exercise routinely
Do more things that make you uncomfortable
Overcoming new challenges is how you build confidence
Be brave

Lesson #10: There is no "right" path.

In retrospect, it's ridiculous to think that society expects 18-year-olds to choose a career path when they've never experienced the world outside the confines of their home and school. Of all the paths out there, what are the chances you'll choose correctly on the first try? What happens when you realize you chose wrong?

We act like people should have their lives figured out by a certain age. This couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, as you experience more aspects of life, you'll learn more about the world and yourself. You'll discover your natural affinities and weaknesses. You'll find some things more interesting than others. While this all sounds like a cop-out with no definitive answer, the truth is that your path is unique to you… and you don't need to have it all figured out right now. Just keep trying what piques your interest - there's always something to learn from each experience.

Action Items & Reminders:

When you don't know what to do, just choose something to try
It's easier to change direction when you're moving forward rather than when you're stationary
It's ok to switch paths if you're unhappy with your current trajectory
What is today once didn't exist at all - don't be afraid to take the unbeaten road
Choose your own path - this is your life to live

Reference:

Neff K, Germer C. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. The Guilford Press; 2018.