Reprogramming My Fear of Failure

Last week, I learned that I was involved in a medication error. It occurred a month ago and involved a medication that was intended for its monthly renewal with no changes. However, I incorrectly assumed it was a dose increase. It was still within the maximum dose range and seemed like a reasonable increase, so I verified it without asking any questions. It was caught when the provider who made the original error noticed the mistake when she renewed the order this month and reported it. Fortunately, there was no harm to the patient.

Management approached me about the error and asked about my thought process when verifying the order. After I jogged my memory, I faintly recalled what happened. But when I went to verbalize my recollection, I started to get more and more upset. Ultimately, I started crying. Then, I felt even more silly to cry about a mistake when it didn't harm anyone and with no one outrightly attacking me.

Deconstructing the Past

This whole scenario makes me look back to my childhood. I can't help but wonder why I get so upset about mistakes and failure. In my head, I want to be a person who can take mistakes, turn them into learning experiences, and grow. But inside, I find the small child version of me curled up in a ball, crying and wanting to hide from the world. She's filled with fear, shame, and self-loathing.

Fear

When I was in 2nd grade, my parents put me in piano lessons and had to force me to practice at home. Admittedly, I probably wasn't the easiest to work with, but I also didn't enjoy playing. At some point during my short-lived piano career, someone had the bright idea to have me practice my hand posture using quarters. They would put quarters on the back of my hands, and I would have to practice playing while balancing them. All I recall about the experience was crying and feeling fearful if they fell. And they always fell.

Shame

Thinking back to 3rd grade, I recall when the teacher called on me to answer a question I did not volunteer for. I had no idea what the answer was. Desperate, I blurted out a random, completely off-base answer. The entire class laughed at me. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

Self-Loathing

When I was a kid, my parents sent me to Chinese school. I was by far the worst in my class in Chinese, and everyone knew it. At the end of the year, the teacher was giving out awards to the top students. But this year, she had an extra one. She announced it was going to me for being "the most improved." While I knew her intentions were good, all I could think was that this just meant I was the dumbest kid in the class. AKA the student who consistently got the most answers wrong on exams. Now that I think about it, I don't recall any other kids making fun of me for it, but the message was already ingrained: I wasn't good enough.

Reprogramming

Looking back at these core memories, I can see that fitting in with my peers and disappointing adults played a central role in my development of fearing failure. As it turns out, I'm not alone [1,2]. Today, popular culture has given failure a negative connotation when it's an inevitable part of life and learning. While it's natural for negative experiences to be more memorable as a survival mechanism, it hinders progress in modern society. As such, I'd like to reprogram my mind when facing mistakes and failures.

Initiate hard reboot regarding medication error.

Stop the Negative Self-Talk & Practice Self-Compassion

When I started crying about my mistake, one of my first thoughts was, "It's so dumb of me to be upset about making an error." But thanks to mindfulness, I stopped myself as soon as the thought appeared. I realized this was an unhelpful and untrue statement. It's not dumb to be upset about making a mistake. No one likes to make mistakes, so it's within reason, and it's okay to feel upset. I am human - just like everyone else.

Processing the Reaction

What went through my head when I realized I made a mistake? What feelings did I experience? First, the back of my throat became tight, followed by tears forming in my eyes. To hold them back, I scrunched my nose and mouth. I started staring into space, overthinking and trying to rationalize my mistake - as if I needed to justify it. I felt the responsibility to own up to the oversight, but simultaneously, I was kicking myself. I wanted to change the truth: that I am fallible.

Challenging the Internal Messaging

Countless negative memories plague my mind and contribute to my reaction. Today, I'd like to challenge the stories they've formed. In this scenario, the aspect I was worried about most was that others would think less of me because I made a mistake. But looking back, I've made plenty of errors, and no one has ever treated me any less because of them.

For example, my friends came over a couple of years ago to make Boston cream donuts. The recipe required us to pipette the cream into each donut. However, instead of buying baking pipettes, I frugally suggested using a Ziplock bag and cutting the tip for pipetting. Midway, we realized the bags weren't stiff enough to spread the cream evenly. Pipetting became a two-person gigglefest, with one person holding the donut open and the other squeezing in as much cream as possible. The donuts were an utter failure, primarily due to my suggestion, but it didn't change my friends' opinions of me.

While the stakes in this scenario are much lower than a medication error, the core lesson is the same: Making mistakes is human, so everyone can empathize. And if I examined every blunder I've made, I'd realize there's always an opportunity to learn or try again. A failure doesn't define you or make you less than - they're just a part of living life.

References

1. Thornborrow, R. Is your child afraid to fail? Two reasons why kids fear failure. Adventures in Wisdom. Updated 2023 Jul 20. Accessed 2024 Jan 01. https://adventuresinwisdom.com/two-reasons-why-kids-fear-failure/
2. Taylor J. Parenting: fear of failure: a childhood epidemic. Psychology Today. Published 2009 Sep 17. Accessed 2024 Jan 01. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/200909/parenting-fear-failure-childhood-epidemic